| i feel alone. i feel neglected. i feel hurt. i feel judged. i feel pain. i feel regretful. i feel ignorant. i feel betrayed. i feel sorrow. since decemeber, ive been eating and eating all i want.
i tried to stop.. i tried. but till today, i have gained about 10 lbs. and i feel like i am failure. after working so hard to lose weight, and succeeded to lose about 17 lbs. i gained 10 back. everytime i look in the mirror, i want to break it. destroy it. demolish it.
i feel ugly, fat, short, and most of all, not beautiful.
yeah, everyone tells me, stop saying that, stop thinking like that. BUT WHO can?!
you guys have no idea what goes through my head everyday, and what i say to myself to get by.
yes, ive even tried to not eat after a certain hours or maybe even starve.. but now it doesnt seem to work. and instead.. i started to binge eat. binge eat, big time. and its not even about losing weight somtimes that i feel all those 9 emotions , its how i perceive the world.
yeah, i have a great family who supports, loves, and cares for me.. but do they really understand me? do they really understand my views, my feelings, and my thoughts? do they understand that im often found hurt by the littlest things, and the weirdest things? do they understand that im sensitive and fragile? i feel that they dont understand... even if they are MY parents. even if im their daughter, i feel as if dont understand.. at all. and my friends, .. i have no words. no matter how much i love them and care for them, i always feel , as if, they dont feel that way for me .. i feel , if as i pour out my love and care to them, i dont get it back. i feel sometimes, if im burdening them with my complications and problems in life.. oh BECAUSE im so sensitive. i dont feel happy.. or relieved that i have friends to call when im sad.. cus its too many times .. these feelings come over me. and take me down. some people may think im this HAPPY, OH I LOVE MY LIFE, person. BUT, NO MATTER how HAPPY i may seem sometimes, no matter how much i am filled with JOY at times, .. its not permanent. NOTHING IS. my happiness stays, only for awhile, then it crashes. i go under .. deep into the ground, where i hope no one finds me. or where i hope , maybe to find happiness again....... i often hurt myself with thoughts, words, actions. and i regret, yet again, i dont either.
and yeah, i also have God and Jesus, and they are the ones who brings me happiness and joy in my life.
but why do i feel this way everyday... sometimes i feel , like anyone else, why isnt God listening to my prayers? my hopes? my dreams? my questions to everything in life.... FAITH is the key, I KNOW. but .. if i cant wait any longer, what happens then? .. i recently found out that one of my friends from church commited suicide.
my first reaction: shocked, but still calm. i didnt cry, or tear. i was sad, but nothing more. however, as the minutes passed by, i realized all the times i felt to hurt myself or just maybe even think .. of those horrible things to myself. then i started to cry, hysterically. uncontrollably. my boyfriend was on the phone with me at that time, assuring me that everything was going to be okay. telling me that he'll be with me through everything, and that he'll always be with me to get through this..
"what a great kid" , i thought; but as i spoke to him, i still felt as if i was still alone, coping with this sad news. i guess depression really hit me hard this time. because i feel like i cant get out of it.
maybe, i actually do have a disorder.. with eating and feeling depressed.
which is why sometimes, i feel like i need to go to a mental institution and get myself fixed.
whatever it is... for now ,as of this moment, by writing this in here, made me feel much better. i dont know how or why.. nonetheless.. its gonna come back. the feelings of those 9 emotions. it will come back , and it will hurt me more ; physically, emotionally, spiritually. i just hope... i can really survive through this..
GOD PLEASE HELP ME. |
